


see what a fool i've been

by salazarsslytherin



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: (not brian or freddie), Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguments, Biphobia, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Sex Work, accidental biphobia from freddie, after yelling a lot, bad choices, talking things through like mature adults
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23178379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salazarsslytherin/pseuds/salazarsslytherin
Summary: For Brian's birthday, Freddie decides to indulge his attraction to women by hiring him a hooker for the night.  Brian does not take it well.
Relationships: Brian May/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 6
Kudos: 93





	see what a fool i've been

**Author's Note:**

> this is quite a random one but i hope people will still like it, the idea has actually been rattling around in my head for ages but it's taken me over a year to actually get around to writing it!! i really think freddie would have trouble dealing with this and would need a lot of reassurance, and sometimes make terrible decisions but thankfully brian loves him anyway.

Freddie’s so pleased with himself.

He’d had to slip away from Brian’s birthday dinner early, which Brian had been a bit miffed about until Freddie had winked at him, leaning over his shoulder to whisper in his ear that it was because he had to get his birthday surprise ready.

He wouldn’t be at all surprised if Brian had rushed through coffee after that, eager to get home and see what Freddie had waiting for him, so he’s rushing quite a bit.

Thankfully the lovely lady is very punctual and is in fact waiting for them when Terry drives Freddie home so he can usher her in without delay, making conversation only a _slight_ bit awkwardly.He’s met and spoken to plenty of prostitutes before but this is a bit of a strange situation, one Freddie’s worked hard on and has made a kind of peace with, but it’s still a bit weird. 

“Not me, my dear!” Freddie tells her quickly, catching her hands when she puts them on his waist and gently disengaging her.“My boyfriend.”

She arches an eyebrow.“Your boyfriend?”

“Yes, his name’s Brian, it’s his birthday!” Freddie says, gesturing her upstairs.“The bedroom’s up here.”He doesn’t show her into his and Brian’s bedroom—he’s made his peace with this, masterminded the whole thing, but he doesn’t want it to happen in _his_ bed. 

She’s still frowning at him when she steps inside and turns around to survey Freddie.“Your boyfriend?” she says again, looking at him intently.“You know I’m a woman, right?”

Freddie laughs.“Of course I do!”That’s the whole point.“He’s bisexual,” he explains. 

She still looks a bit confused but doesn’t ask any more questions, sitting down on the bed. 

“Can I get you anything?” Freddie offers, a bit uncertain of the etiquette.

“No thanks, doll,” she says to him, settling back to wait.“Where is he?”

“He’ll be here soon,” Freddie says, backing out of the doorway.“I’m going to go downstairs to meet him.Uh, condoms are in that drawer there. Thank you!”

He hurries back down the stairs, waiting in the hallway so he’ll know as soon as Brian arrives back.He’s going to _love_ this.He’ll never believe that Freddie’s done this for him, Freddie’s so fucking proud of himself for coming up with the idea, he can’t believe he’s never thought of it sooner.

Probably because he was always a bit nervous of this sort of thing, especially in the beginning when he and Brian first got together and Freddie was always second-guessing himself, wondering when Brian would decide he missed women too much and leave Freddie to find one.

Freddie’s stomach clenches uncomfortably at the thought and he gets up to start pacing.So, he might not be _fully_ okay with the whole thing, but at least this is on _his_ terms, he’s showing Brian he’s fine with it, letting him stretch out and enjoy himself so he doesn’t get bored and leave him.It’s a wonderful birthday surprise, much better than Freddie just dressing up in something lacy for Brian like he does every other year.This is _different_ , something Freddie _knows_ Brian wants, has been thinking about.

And she’s probably wearing a thong anyway, so this way he gets _everything_ he wants.

It’s a fantastic idea, Freddie’s not sure why he’s so nervous.Nervous enough that he’s made his way through two and a half vodka tonics before Brian arrives home.Possibly the thought that Brian, the love of his life, will shortly be upstairs fucking someone else, someone who isn’t Freddie, someone who has bits that Freddie will never have, and it was all Freddie’s doing.

Freddie swallows and necks the rest of his third vodka.

He’s considering making a fourth when he hears the gravel crunch outside, Brian being dropped off, and he takes in a deep breath and puts on a big, happy-birthday smile for when the door opens.

Brian looks startled to see him there in the hallway.“Freddie?” he asks, stepping in and shutting the door. 

He’s so gorgeous, Freddie can’t believe it sometimes, can’t believe that they’re together, this is _their_ house, their life.He’s so lucky.That’s why he wants to do this for Brian, to make sure he’s happy, that he’s not missing out.He just loves him so much, he hates the thought that he can’t be everything Brian needs.

“Happy birthday, darling,” Freddie tells him, sidling forward and leaning into his toes to give him a long, long kiss.

Brian’s hands go to his waist and hold on, pulling him close as he hums with pleasure.He tastes of coffee and wine and chocolate from dessert and he’s just the level of drunk that makes him flirty and handsy and even hornier than usual.

“Thank you, love,” Brian murmurs against Freddie’s mouth, pulling back a bit.“Where’s this surprise, then?I thought you’d be upstairs.”

Freddie gathers himself.“Your surprise is upstairs,” he says, taking Brian’s hand and tugging him over to the bottom step, though he doesn’t lead him up.He doesn’t want to _hear_ anything, as soon as Brian’s sorted he’s got an overnight bag ready to take down the garden to stay with Phoebe for the night.“In the main guest room.”

Brian frowns, one foot on the first stair.“In the _guest_ room?”

Freddie nods and gives him a light push.“Go on up and see,” he says.“You’ll know what I mean.”

Brian laughs and starts up the stairs, pausing when he realises Freddie isn’t following.“Aren’t you coming?”

“Just go and see!” Freddie insists, waving him up.

Brian grins and puts his hands up in surrender, hurrying up the stairs, eager to see what it is. 

Freddie hovers for a moment, waiting, listening for the door opening.

It doesn’t close, so Freddie can hear perfectly Brian’s, ‘Oh!’ of surprise. 

The hooker’s voice is more muffled, she’s further inside the room, but Freddie can still hear her.

“You must be Brian?” in the most perfect, seductive purr.“Happy birthday, sugar.”

Freddie grabs his bag where it’s been waiting by the stairs and hefts it over his shoulder.

“Freddie.”Brian’s voice comes from the landing and Freddie pauses.

That isn’t a pleased voice at all.It’s a very flat, very hard voice, swiftly followed by footsteps and a very angry Brian appearing at the top of the stairs.

“Freddie,” he says again, ice cold.“What the fuck is this?”

Freddie falters.“Your...your birthday surprise, darling.”

“My _birthday surprise_ ,” Brian hisses.His face is _white_ and he takes a few steps down, staring at Freddie.“Is she a fucking prostitute?”

He’s misjudged.Severely misjudged.Freddie’s heart hammers nervously and he shifts his weight from foot to foot before he nods.

Brian’s lips go thin.He looks angrier than Freddie has ever seen him.“You,” Brian says stiffly, pointing at Freddie, “ _wait there_.”

He disappears back out of view and Freddie drops his bag, cold through. 

Brian reappears moments later, their bemused guest following behind, and walks silently down the stairs with her on his heels. 

They stop in the hallway and Brian looks at Freddie with the coldest expression he has ever directed his way.

“Have you paid her?” he asks.

Freddie nods.That was all sorted when he first arranged all this.

Even so, Brian digs in his pocket and pulls out a bunch of paper notes, pushing them into her hand as he opens the door and ushers her out with a tight-lipped apology before he slams it shut behind her.

He turns to Freddie very slowly and Freddie withers in the face of his fury.

“I’m sorry,” he says at once.“I thought it’d be nice!”

“ _Nice_?” Brian repeats, fuming.“ _Nice_?To hire me a fucking _hooker_ for my birthday?What the fuck were you _thinking_?”

Freddie’s lost for words, suddenly quite unsure what exactly he _had_ been thinking.“Well, just...just that...I know you like women, and...for your _birthday_ , you know, and…”

Brian only looks angrier the more Freddie talks and Freddie trails off, suddenly very horribly aware of the mistake he’s made. 

“So you thought,” Brian says slowly, “that for my _birthday_ , you’d have me...what?Fuck someone _else_?”

It sounds crazy when Freddie hears it aloud.“A woman,” he whispers.Even to his own ears, it’s a weak explanation.

Brian just stares at him, his face twisted.He’s never, _ever_ looked at Freddie like that before and Freddie hates it, he wants to cry. 

“A _woman_ ,” Brian says acidly.“Do you...do you want to break up with me or something?”

“NO!” Freddie cries, starting forward a step, desperate and terrified.“No, Bri!”

“Then what…”Brian pauses and takes a deep breath.“Freddie, you better fucking explain what is going on _right now_ because I do _not_ understand.”

Freddie swallows, tangling his hands nervously together in front of him.He’d beg for Brian to just forget this and them to go and celebrate his birthday however he wants, but Brian’s too far gone for that; there’s no way of avoiding this argument.

“I just thought,” he starts haltingly, having to swallow hard so tears don’t overwhelm him.“You might miss... _women_ , you know.Having sex with them, instead of me.”It hurts to admit it out loud, splits his heart open.He can’t speak for a moment as more tears threaten but Brian doesn’t fill the silence, just waits.“So I hired her.For your birthday.So you could have that.So you won’t miss it too much.”

Brian’s silent for a long, terrible moment.

“I’m _sorry_ , darling, I didn’t think—”

“No,” Brian interrupts.“No, I don’t think you did.When have I _ever_ given you the impression that I want to fuck some random woman over you?A fucking _hooker_?”

“Never,” Freddie whispers, stricken.

“Have I ever _said_ that I want that?”

Freddie shakes his head.

“Have I ever even _implied_ that?Because if I have, _please_!Fucking tell me, Freddie,” Brian invites, incensed.

Freddie bites hard on his lip.“You haven’t,” he mumbles.

“No, I didn’t think so,” Brian says, really starting to build up steam now.“I can’t fucking believe you.Do you just not _trust_ me or something?You think I can’t fucking control myself, I’m going to cheat on you the first chance I get, so you get in there first?”

Freddie can barely breathe, he _hates_ arguing.“No!That’s _not_ it, this isn’t _cheating_ , it’s—”

“Oh, isn’t it?” Brian says loudly, meanly, shot through with mock surprise.“ _Isn’t it_?Let me tell you, Freddie, if I ever came home and found you in bed with a hooker, _I_ would consider that cheating.Is that just _fine_ by you, is it?Should I go and check the other rooms for prostitutes?”

He turns on his heel as if to do so and Freddie leaps forward to catch his elbow.Brian shakes him off at once but he does stop.

“Have you been off shagging hookers all this time because that’s not cheating?” Brian demands, turning back.

Freddie shakes his head.“No!Of course I haven’t, I’d _never_ do that to you, I _love_ you, Bri!”

“Then _why_ the _fuck_ would you think that I’d want to come home and shag some random woman?” Brian asks, his voice steadily getting louder.“You think that’s a nice little birthday treat for me?My own fucking partner doesn’t want to go to bed, he’s paid someone else to do it!”

Freddie’s horrified, he can’t believe he didn’t _think_ about how Brian was going to react to this—because it’s obvious, this _shouldn’t_ have come as a surprise.It was a stupid idea, he wishes with all his heart he’d thought about it a bit more rather than rushing in, convinced of his ingenuity and tricked by his own insecurities.

“That’s not—”

“What were you even going to do while this was going on?” Brian continues loudly, speaking over Freddie, and his gaze lands on the bag Freddie’d dropped earlier.

Freddie doesn’t want to tell him but Brian’s waiting for a reply.He can’t look at him.“I was going to...going to go and stay with Phoebe,” he admits. 

He doesn’t look up but he can easily imagine just how thin Brian’s lips have gone.

“Well that’s nice, isn’t it,” Brian says icily, so cold it makes Freddie flinch.“What a lovely birthday, _thank you_ , Freddie.What a _thoughtful_ idea.Brian’s such a _wanker_ that he’d happily fuck a hooker in our own fucking _house_ , and better do it soon because he’s bound to run off with some bird otherwise, can’t be fucking _trusted_ , can he? _God_!” 

He stops suddenly and takes in a deep breath, running his hands over his face. 

“I’m sorry, Bri,” Freddie says, near-silently.

Brian laughs humourlessly and shakes his head.“Freddie, you just...fucking.You know what,” he says, straightening up, “I actually can’t even deal with you right now.You’ve really fucked me off, you know that?”

Freddie nods miserably.“I’m _sorry_.”

“And I’m so _sick_ ,” Brian carries on, “of hearing ‘I’m sorry’.I need to—I need to fucking calm down.I’m going out.” 

He yanks open the front door and steps out and Freddie dives across the hall after him.“Brian, no!You’ve been drinking, you can’t drive!” he calls in a flat panic.

Brian stops with a huff and marches back, slamming the door behind him with a, “ _Fuck_ sake.”

Freddie doesn’t know what to do or say, Brian’s impossible in this mood—not that Freddie can blame him tonight—and he just hovers uncertainly.

Brian starts up the stairs.“Well I suppose I’ll go and sleep in the guest room you so _lovingly_ prepared for me,” he says, heading for the stairs without glancing Freddie’s way.

“No, don’t!” Freddie says tearfully, even as Brian’s walking away from him.“Sleep in our room, Brian, don’t sleep in there, I’ll—”

But the guest room door slams shut without another word. 

* * *

It’s the worst fight they’ve ever had.Freddie barely sleeps all night and by the time he gets up the next morning, the door of the guest room is open and Brian’s gone, no note or anything to indicate where he might be or when he’s coming back.

Freddie spends the morning trying not to cry into his cup of tea, wandering around the house in the hopes that Brian’s just holed up somewhere reading, but his car isn’t outside.

He loiters for hours, thinking that surely Brian will walk in any minute, but he only works himself into a state convincing himself that he’s never coming back.

Eventually he phones Roger, sitting in the hallway with both eyes glued to the front door.

“Fred?”Roger doesn’t sound surprised to hear from him.“Wondered when you’d ring.”

Freddie sniffs.“Have you seen Brian?”

Roger pauses.“Yeah,” he says after a moment.“He came by this morning pretty angry.Tell me you didn’t hire him a fucking hooker for his birthday, Fred.”

Freddie’s guilty silence speaks for itself. 

“Oh Freddie,” Roger sighs.“What were you thinking?”

“I don’t _know_!” Freddie says.“Is he still there?I really need to speak to him, Rog!”

“No, he left hours ago,” Roger tells him.“Thought he went home, to tell you the truth.”

Freddie can’t quite stop the sob that escapes.“He hasn’t come back!”

“Oh Christ.Look, calm down, you know what he’s like, he’s probably driving around cooling off.Do you want me to come over?”

Freddie tries to take a big breath and calm himself down.“Yes please,” he says quietly, clutching the phone tight.

“Alright, I’ll head over in a bit, alright?Try not to freak out.”

He hangs up and Freddie feels suddenly so much more alone than he did before so he summons Phoebe, sitting with him and a cup of tea he barely touches until Roger shows up an hour later.

“What are you like,” is the first thing he says, shaking his head and giving Freddie a much-needed hug while Phoebe quietly slips away.

“He hasn’t come home, Rog,” Freddie says miserably, muffled by Roger’s shoulder.“He’s going to leave me.I’m so stupid!”

“Hey, stop that,” Roger says sternly, pulling back.“You _are_ a bit stupid, this was the dumbest idea you’ve ever had, but Brian isn’t going to leave you.”

He looks around, makes a face at the now-cold cup of tea, and quickly gets to work making Freddie a vodka tonic that he pushes into his hands. 

“Drink this,” he directs, making Freddie sit.“Tell me what happened.”

Freddie sniffs.“I fucked up!And now he’s probably angry enough to go off and shag someone else and—”

“That,” Roger interrupts him immediately, “is never going to happen.If he did that, he’d lose the moral high ground, and you know how much Brian _loves_ to have the moral high ground.”

It’s true but it doesn’t cheer Freddie up.

“What did he say?” Roger asks gently.

Freddie sniffs.“Loads of things.He was asking what the fuck I was thinking.He thought I was trying to break up with him.”His eyes fill with tears all over again when he thinks of Brian’s face, the cold tone.“And he thought that—that _I_ didn’t want to sleep with him which is why I did it.Which isn’t _true_!”

“Alright, calm down, Fred, take a breath,” Roger says quickly, keen to avoid hysterics if at all possible because that won’t help anyone.“Obviously _you_ know that’s not true but see it from his point of view for a minute—”

“I _know_ it looks bad,” Freddie cuts him off, wiping his eyes. 

“It looks really fucking bad.Even _I_ don’t know what you were thinking,” Roger says bluntly.“I wish you’d said something so I could’ve told you what a dumb idea it was.You _know_ Brian, how could you not realise how he was going to react?”

Freddie buries his head in his hand.“I don’t _know_ ,” he says miserably.“I wasn’t thinking.”

“How did you even know where to get a hooker from?A _woman_?” Roger asks, frowning.“Not really your thing.”

Freddie purses his lips and Roger stares hard at him.He can already sense this is going to be bad.

“Paul,” Freddie admits after a long moment of guilty silence. 

“Oh fuck.”Roger runs his hand through his hair, shaking his head.“Oh _Christ_ , Freddie!Brian’s going to _flip_ when he finds out you involved Paul in this.Did he know why you wanted her?”

“Well it was obvious she wasn’t for _me_!” Freddie retorts, his voice climbing higher.

“So he knows she was for Brian,” Roger surmises easily. 

Freddie’s silence speaks for itself.

“ _Well_ ,” Roger says bracingly.“That’s gonna go down like a lead balloon.Remind me to get out of earshot when he hears about _that_.”

Freddie groans.“He doesn’t have to know how I contacted her,” he says hopefully.“If he asks I’ll say you knew her!”

“No you fucking will not!” Roger says at once.“That’s not how I want to die, thanks.”

“Roger!You have to _help_ me!”

“I _am_ helping you,” Roger protests.“I made you a vodka tonic and I came over here to tell you you’re an idiot.That’s helping.”

“That is _not_ helping.”

“Well, you _were_ an idiot, Freddie.You’ve been with him for how long?You should’ve figured how he’d take this.” 

Freddie winces.It’s not what he wants to hear but then again, he wouldn’t have phoned Roger if he just wanted someone to tell him he was right all the time and hadn’t done anything wrong.He knows he needs Roger’s tough love.

Actually what he needs is his boyfriend to come home and talk to him but Freddie doesn’t know how to make that happen. 

“How do I make it up to him?How do I _explain_?”There _is_ no rational explanation, Freddie has quickly realised.It was just stupid and dumb. 

“I don’t know if you can,” Roger says with a wince.“Just gotta wait him out, let him cool off, move on.Apologise a bunch, you know how much he loves that.”

“I _tried_ that!” Freddie protests.“He doesn’t want to hear it, Rog.”

“Well not right _now_ , he’s still mad,” Roger reasons.“Rightly so, can I just point out.”

“I know, I know.” 

Freddie wouldn’t mind hearing it half as much if it were Brian here with him telling him how stupid he is—at least he’d be _here_ and Freddie could apologise again. 

Roger does help him calm down, though, fixing him another drink when he realises the ice has melted in Freddie’s before he drank much of it and helping him think up ways he could make things up to Brian, which range from bedroom favours to attending astrophysics lectures with him instead of leaving him to go alone.

“God, is that worth it, though?” Roger mutters after he suggests the latter, making a face.“All those stuffy professors getting excited over stuff millions of miles away that we don’t even know exists.”

“Hey!” Freddie protests.“Some of it actually _is_ interesting.Brian’s read his thesis to me a few times and once he’s—”He cuts himself off as gravel crunches outside and Roger jumps up.

“Speak of the devil!” he says, as though they haven’t been talking about Brian for the past three hours without him showing up.

“Oh thank God,” Freddie breathes, though his stomach gets tight with nerves thinking about the inevitable argument that’s to come.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Roger says, hastily grabbing his keys and giving Freddie a bracing hug, patting his back.“Good luck, Fred.He’ll cool off, just let him run out of steam.”

Which is easier said than done; Brian’s temper has a long fuse but when it goes, it _goes_ , and it takes him ages to calm down.

Freddie gets up to see Roger off just as Brian’s key turns in the lock and he steps inside, nodding briefly at Roger. 

“Rog,” he greets, not coldly but with less enthusiasm than normal.“Thought I saw your car outside.”

“I was just leaving,” Roger tells him, slipping past.

Brian holds the door open for him until he’s gone and closes it by leaning back against it, his gaze eventually travelling over to where Freddie’s frozen in the living room doorway.

“I’m so glad you’re home,” Freddie says quietly, hovering.“I’m so sorry. _Please_ believe me, Bri.I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know.”

Brian scoffs but doesn’t storm out again.“You know, I woke up a bit less mad,” he says, not really looking at Freddie but sort of addressing the wall next to him.“Sleeping on it must’ve helped.But then I happened to look in the bedside _table_ ,” he says, pushing off the door and pushing past Freddie into the living room, “and found the fucking _condoms_ you so kindly left for me, and remembered _just_ how angry I was.”

Freddie winces and doesn’t have anything to say to that. 

“I mean, you must’ve had to go out and buy those specifically for this,” Brian continues, finally looking at Freddie with his eyebrows cocked antagonisingly. 

Freddie bites his lip and still doesn’t have anything to say.Brian’s right.They don’t use condoms, Freddie had to buy those yesterday.Well, he’d gotten someone else to buy them. 

“How long had you even been planning it?” Brian asks, pouring himself a drink.

Freddie relaxes a tiny bit because if Brian’s drinking it must mean he’s planning on staying the night in the house, but he doesn’t reply.He thinks he might get away with it but Brian turns to him expectantly and waits.

“Not long,” he says hoarsely.“A few days.” 

“And not once in that time did you think that it was a stupid fucking idea?”

Freddie silently shakes his head.“I didn’t _think_ about it like that, Bri,” he says desperately.“I wasn’t thinking properly, darling.I _know_ it was stupid, I’m so sorry.I’d have been devastated if you’d actually done anything with her—”

“So what, was it some kind of _test_?” Brian snaps, glaring at him.

“No!Nothing like that!” Freddie cries.“I _swear_ , Brian, I _swear_ , I just wasn’t _thinking_.I was—I was being _stupid_ , darling, worrying about...ridiculous things.And it sort of made sense at the time, I don’t know why!”

“Worrying about me and _women_ ,” Brian surmises, taking a somehow angry sip of his drink.“How many times do we have to go through this, Freddie?Why don’t you fucking _trust_ me?”

“I _do_ trust you!”

“You just don’t want sex with me, then?”

“No!Of course I do!”

“Then _why_?Why?Why would you do this?” Brian questions almost manically, nearly spilling his drink he gestures so strongly.“I can’t get my head around it, I really can’t.We were having a nice dinner, I thought we were going to have a nice night.Instead you’ve got some woman in _our_ house and you tell me _she’s_ a _surprise_ for me?Fuck!Christ, I _thought_ you were being off, I thought you were upset, I couldn’t figure it out.”

Freddie squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry even though this whole thing just feels like an awful repeat of last night and he wants to break out of this cycle and get back to normal.“I _was_ upset.It was so stupid.It just upset both of us.”

“It’s done a bit fucking more than _upset_ me, Freddie!”

“I know,” Freddie nods miserably.“You’ve every right to be angry with me, Brian, you can yell at me all you like.Please believe me I’m _so_ sorry.I’ve been stupid.But just—just—if you’re—”He’s struggling to catch his breath enough to speak and has to clench his hands together in front of his stomach, pulling in to try and focus himself, nails digging in.“If you want to b-break up can you just do it now because I can’t _bear_ it—”

“Freddie,” Brian cuts him off sharply.“I don’t want to break up.If I wanted to break up with you I wouldn’t be so fucking angry.But I _am_ angry, Fred, _so_ angry and I honestly don’t know how long it’s going to take for that to go away.”

Freddie can only nod, dizzy with relief.“That’s okay,” he breathes hurriedly.“I know.I’ll sleep in a spare room or—or go to my parents or a hotel or something, I’ll give you space,” Freddie says quickly, desperate to make Brian see how serious he is about fixing this even though the thought of being banished makes him want to curl up and just _ache_ for a week.“Whatever you want, darling.”

“I don’t want you to disappear, Freddie,” Brian says tiredly, draining his glass.“Stay here.Sleep in our room.”

Freddie’s relieved.He wants to ask where Brian’s going to sleep but he doesn’t quite dare because he can’t face being told that it won’t be with him.

Brian doesn’t really say anything after that, he disappears off into his study and leaves Freddie to it.Freddie supposes it’s better than arguing but rattling around the house while Brian’s in it and not talking to him is almost worse than being here alone.

Eventually he gives up waiting and goes to bed, though he can’t sleep.He never can when Brian’s not there.He lays in the dark and plays back over and over Brian saying he didn’t want to break up, clings to that until Brian comes to bed hours later.

He doesn’t say anything as he gets into bed beside Freddie, though he must know Freddie’s still awake because he’s terrible at pretending.He just turns off his bedside light and lies down and there’s a distance between them on the mattress that’s never been there before, but Freddie finally manages to drift off.

* * *

For a few days things are tense but they’re not as awful.Brian doesn’t disappear again, not for so long anyway, though he spends most of his time holed up in the study or out in the garden exuding some very serious ‘leave me alone’ signals so Freddie respectfully keeps his distance.It’s the longest they’ve ever gone without having sex, though Brian still sleeps in bed with him, usually coming upstairs after Freddie’s been there for a while even though they both know Freddie won’t ever be able to fall asleep in bed alone.

Freddie suspects that’s the only reason Brian bothers coming to bed at all.

Then on the fourth day after Brian’s birthday it occurs to him to ask the one question Freddie’s been dreading.

He appears quite suddenly in the doorway of the living room where Freddie’s been brushing Tiffany to keep himself distracted, though he looks up at once when Brian says his name.

“Yes, darling?”Freddie’s immediately filled with a traitorous hope that Brian’s here to say he understands that Freddie fucked up and he’s bored of being angry now, but the look on his face is more viciously curious than forgiving.

“I was just wondering,” Brian says and the barely contained anger effectively quashes any last hope of a happy reunion just yet.“I’ve never thought of you as someone who’d have a lot of prostitutes in the phone book.Not female ones, anyway.”

Freddie knows _exactly_ what’s coming and he goes cold.

Tiffany, sensing the tension, jumps neatly off his lap and trots out of the room with her tail in the air. 

“Was she a friend of yours?”

Freddie pulls his lip between his teeth and shakes his head.

“Didn’t think so,” Brian nods slowly.“How did you find her?”

Freddie desperately, _desperately_ wants to lie but he knows it’ll only be worse if he does, if Brian ever finds out.And he’s hopeless at lying.

“Through a...a friend,” he replies, praying Brian won’t ask.

“Who was it, Freddie?” Brian says bluntly.

Freddie braces himself.“Paul.”

Brian, predictably, hits the fucking _roof_. 

“ _Paul_!Oh, I should have fucking _guessed_ ,” Brian snarls, seething all over again.“So he knew all about this, too?God, I bet he was _so_ fucking pleased to give you her number, wasn’t he?”

Freddie shrugs helplessly.“He—he thought it was a nice idea, he said—men get _bored_ , especially if they—”He cuts himself off, knowing it’s only going to make things worse, but Brian’s not stupid.

“If they what?” he asks, deadly quiet.

“If they like women too,” Freddie whispers.

“That man,” Brian says icily, “has spent _years_ filling your head with _fucking_ POISON!” 

He’s not a man who often raises his voice but the words ring in Freddie’s ears after. 

It’s as bad as it had been the first night once Brian gets going, though this time a lot of his fury is directed at Paul.He catches himself shouting a few times and makes an effort to stop, but his voice inevitably rises again and Freddie’s with it.

“How many times do you want me to say _I’m sorry_?” Freddie cries, clutching his hair.“Tell me what to do to _fix_ this, Brian!Fucking _tell me_ and I’ll do it!”

“I don’t fucking _know_ , alright?” Brian fires back.“Every time I think I’m getting calmer about it I just remember seeing her there on the fucking bed and I can’t stop thinking that you wanted me to fuck her—”

“I didn’t!”

“Then why _do it_?” Brian demands. 

“Because I didn’t _think_!” Freddie screeches.“And I’m _sorry_.I’ve _said_ I’m sorry a million times, Brian, but if you’re never going to forgive me then what are we even _doing_ here?”He doesn’t mean to ask it, doesn’t want to plant any seed of doubt in Brian’s mind, but Freddie’s fed up with the tension and he’s exhausted by living like this.He just needs it to be over.

Brian lets out a heavy sigh and pinches his nose.“You’re right,” he says flatly, and Freddie’s stomach drops into his feet.

“What?” he asks.

“You’re right,” Brian repeats.“What’s the point?”

Freddie’s heart seizes and he stumbles forward.“No,” he says quickly, his throat clogged with immediate tears.“No, you said—you _said_ you didn’t want to break up!”

Brian looks at him, startled, and shakes his head.“I don’t,” he says, meeting Freddie’s gaze dead-on.“Freddie?I don’t, okay?But we need to talk about this properly, I need to calm down.I think I need to go and stay with Rog or someone for a few days.”

Freddie’s face crumples and he wraps both arms around his chest.“Okay,” he says, barely above a whisper.

“I just need to think,” Brian says.“And we’ll talk after.”

Freddie nods, not sure any words will even be heard.

Brian crosses to him unexpectedly and cups his face in both hands, planting a quick kiss to his forehead.It’s the most they’ve touched in nearly a week and Freddie melts into it, a sudden sob wracking through him.

“Do you—are you _definitely_ coming back?” Freddie manages to get out, reaching up to grab Brian’s wrists and hold on.

“I promise,” Brian says quietly.

Freddie can’t stand to watch him pack an overnight bag so he busies himself in the kitchen making a cup of tea he has no intention of drinking, though he drifts back out when he hears Brian come back downstairs.

“Can you do one thing for me?” Brian asks as he reaches the front door, turning back.

“Anything.”

“Can you make sure the sheets on that fucking bed get dry-cleaned?” Brian asks, though there’s less heat in his tone than there has been in days.

Freddie nods.“Course.”

He goes upstairs to strip the bed himself once Brian’s gone and his car’s left the driveway, and the action of it helps to cleanse something inside him he hadn’t realised had been holding on.He dumps the whole lot—sheets, covers, pillows and duvet—into the laundry hamper and drags it downstairs to be taken to the laundrette somehow.

Then he goes back upstairs and digs out the box of condoms which he throws away in the big outside bin, slamming the lid closed with a bang of finality. 

He still doesn’t sleep very well but he keeps himself busy with Mary the next day, taking her out shopping and confessing the whole damn ordeal to her over coffee.

She’s less blunt than Roger, though she does still tell him he’s an idiot and she’s not surprised Brian’s angry.She gives him no clues on how to resolve it, saying it’s between him and Brian, though she does suggest that he takes a long hard think about how closely involved he wants Paul to be in his life after Freddie relays the conversations he’d had with him about this.

Freddie knows she’s probably right—Brian and the others have been saying it for ages—but it’s not something he can think about right now.He needs to get through this with Brian, that’s all that matters.It’s all he can think about.

He only crawls into Brian’s side of the bed when he’s so exhausted he can barely see straight but it still takes him hours to fall asleep.

* * *

For the next several days, Freddie wakes up in a still-empty house but he tries not to let himself cry or dwell or fret; Brian’s promised that he’s coming back and Freddie believes him.He knows this is the mature thing to do, that Brian needs space to actually let himself calm down otherwise they’ll only be going in circles arguing for weeks, and Freddie wants that even less than he wants this.

Sometimes, though, it’s impossible to hold back the overwhelming flood of heartache and he wastes hours curled up in their bed sobbing his heart out or else sat in Brian’s study, just trying to hold himself together.

He wants to be distracted but he needs to stay home in case Brian returns so Freddie tries to keep busy pottering around the house, playing with the cats, feeding the fish out in the garden, rewatching old movies and flicking through the Sotheby’s catalogue, but he always ends up back at the piano, safe and familiar.

He thinks he could probably write a song right now, he’s hurting enough, but he doesn’t ever want to remember this time.Freddie blinks back his tears and plays mindless things instead, tiny snatches of maybe-songs and old progressions the band abandoned long ago, just distracting himself.

That’s where Brian eventually finds him.

He scares Freddie half to death when he notices him.

“Brian!” Freddie gasps, dropping his hands off the keys and turning on the stool.“I didn’t hear you come in.” 

It’s gotten late outside; it’s dark beyond the windows, Freddie hadn’t even noticed.

He watches Brian carefully, unable to judge his mood.He so badly wants to cross to him, to press himself close to Brian’s chest, feel his arms around him, but he stays rooted to the spot. 

“I missed you,” Freddie says quietly, lacing his hands together in his lap.Seeing Brian has made every emotion he’s tried to bottle up pour through him and he has to swallow hard to keep his voice steady.“It’s not the same without you.I’m so, _so_ sorry, Brian.”

“I know,” Brian sighs.He leaves the doorway and pushes into the room, coming to join Freddie on the piano stool, their shoulders and knees pressed comfortingly together.“I don’t want you to keep apologising.I know you’re sorry.I believe you.”

He lays his fingers on the piano keys but doesn’t press down, just watches his own hands.

Freddie watches him, too.“Are you still angry?” he asks quietly.

“No,” Brian says.“If I was I wouldn’t have come home yet.”He can feel Freddie literally sag with relief and tries not to feel too guilty; he’d had to stay away to get his head straight, they’d never be able to resolve anything otherwise.But seeing Freddie with dark rings around red-rimmed eyes, having clearly spent the last three days crying, makes his heart twinge horribly.“I know that you...you didn’t mean it in a bad way,” Brian says, gently pressing a chord just for something to do with his hands. 

“I didn’t,” Freddie agrees quickly.

“And you realise how stupid it was.”

“I do.”Possibly the stupidest thing Freddie’s done. 

“I don’t want to keep arguing over that.It’s done, she’s gone, it’s over,” Brian says, taking his hands off the piano to rub his face.“But Freddie, fuck.We _need_ to talk about this thing you have about me and women.”

Freddie stills and closes his eyes, nodding silently.He knows Brian’s right; it’s Freddie’s issue, it’s always been Freddie’s issue.But he’d thought he had it well under control until now.

“Do you not trust me?”Brian’s voice is gentle, very carefully non-accusing, but it still makes Freddie feel awful.

“I _do_ trust you, Bri,” Freddie says at once, opening his eyes and turning to look at him.“I swear I do.It’s not that.I mean...it was a _little_ of that, but not because I don’t trust you.I don’t really know how to explain, darling,” Freddie says helplessly.

Brian reaches over and takes his hand, squeezing gently.“Try, please,” he requests.“We need to talk about this.”

Freddie turns his hand over in Brian’s and squeezes back, hard, gleaning more comfort from it than he’s felt in days.“I do trust you,” Freddie starts, thinking hard to make sure he’s saying what he really means.“I just...I get worried, sometimes.That I won’t be enough for you.Because there’s always going to be something you want that I can’t ever give you.”

It’s a Herculean effort to get all the words out with his throat so tight but he manages, his voice only wobbling a bit.

“And what’s that?” Brian asks.

Freddie makes a face.“You know—I’m not a _woman_ , Bri.I never will be.I don’t have...have _breasts_ and all, or anything like that.Whatever it is you like.”

“So?”

“ _So_ ,” Freddie says, swallowing past the lump in his throat.“When you want that...what will you do?”

“Well I won’t go off and shag the first woman I see,” Brian says bluntly.“I’m not interested in that.I want _you_ , I love _you_ , I’m committed to _you_.If you see a man you fancy I assume you’re not going to sleep with him just because you find him attractive?”

“Of course not!”

“Well, I’m not going to, either.Man or woman.Because I love _you_.I don’t know how to get you to understand, Fred.If you were a woman you’d be sitting here worrying about not having a cock and me straying off to go find _that_ somewhere else.But I’d still say the same thing—it’s _you_ I love.”

It all sounds so simple when Brian says it so reasonably. 

“But don’t you _miss_ it?” Freddie whispers.

“To be honest with you, Freddie, I only ever think about it when we have these arguments,” Brian tells him with a humourless laugh.“No, I don’t miss it, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.We have a pretty good sex life.”

He catches Freddie’s offended look and snorts.

“Okay, a great sex life,” Brian corrects with a wry grin.“If there was something I wanted that I wasn’t getting, it’d be you I asked for it.I don’t want to have sex with a woman, because she wouldn’t be _you_.Do you get what I’m saying?”

Freddie nods.“I do,” he says with a little sigh.“It all makes such a lot of sense when you explain, darling, I don’t know why it ever creeps back into my head.”

“I don’t, either,” Brian says.“I wish it bloody wouldn’t.And I wish you’d _tell_ me if you start thinking like that so I can reassure you _before_ you do something like this.”

“I promise I’ll try,” Freddie says, staring down at his hands.“I just don’t want to argue about it all the time, and you know how it is when people are saying—”He cuts himself off and Brian sighs.

“You might as well say it, Freddie, let’s have it out.It’s Paul, isn’t it?”

Freddie glances sidelong at him.“I don’t want us to argue again,” he says mildly.

“I didn’t come here to argue again,” Brian tells him.“I want to talk about him, anyway.What’s he been saying to you?You know I don’t trust that guy.”

“I know,” Freddie says miserably.“He just...it wasn’t like he was convincing me or anything.He was just talking, things like you must be bored, or you would be soon, because men don’t like _both_.Not the same, anyway.Men are fine for sex but with a woman it’s d- _different_ —”It’s hard to keep his voice steady again but Freddie fights through it, clearing his throat.“And you can have a, you know.A _family_ , when you want to settle down.”

Brian sits very, very still beside Freddie. 

“Are you angry?” Freddie whispers.

“No,” Brian says.Then, “Yes,” he admits after a moment.“Not with you.”He brings Freddie’s hand to his mouth and kisses it.“Thank you for telling me.For what it’s worth, Freddie, I think owning a house and about twelve cats together is pretty settled.I’m not looking for anything else.”

“I do _know_ that, really,” Freddie sniffs. 

“Would a ring help?” Brian asks suddenly.

Freddie frowns at him.“What do you mean?” he asks, but Brian’s already getting up off the seat and walking out of the room.

Freddie scrambles to get up and follow him, lingering in the hall where Brian’s rooting through the pocket of his own coat until he produces a little box.

“I’ve been carrying this around for nearly two years waiting for a perfect moment,” Brian explains ruefully, wrapping his fingers around it.“I bought it in Japan.Seemed fitting.Always thought I’d give it to you there but there’s never a good time.There’s never a _perfect_ time, and I really wanted it to be perfect.That’s what I was waiting for.But if you want a sign that this is it for me, I’m settled, it’s you—I guess this is it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Giving you this,” Brian says, flipping the box open to reveal a simple gold ring inside, exactly like a wedding band.

Freddie’s mouth falls open.“For me?”

Brian laughs gently.“Of course for you.Only for you. _Always_ for you,” he says seriously, taking the ring out of the cushion and holding it out.“Can I?”

Freddie’s almost too shocked to move but he lifts his hand automatically, thankful when Brian catches hold of it because he’s trembling a little bit.It slides on so perfectly it’s like it was made for him and Freddie can only stare, marveling at the sight of it there.He can’t believe Brian’s had this all along, been waiting to give it to him.

“I measured your finger while you were asleep,” Brian confesses to him.“To make sure it’d fit.”

“It’s...it’s _perfect_ , Bri.Are you—?”

“Don’t ask me if I’m sure,” Brian interrupts quickly, kissing him.“I am.I have been for a long time.It’s you, okay?No matter what.”

Freddie can feel more tears springing to his eyes, as though he hasn’t cried enough recently, but at least this time he’s not heartbroken.“I love you,” he manages to get out before flinging himself at Brian and hugging him tightly.

Brian’s arms go around his back and he buries his face in Freddie’s hair, holding him close, swaying gently.“I love you, too,” he says quietly, kissing the top of Freddie’s head.“Please don’t worry about these things, Fred.And _please_...don’t _ever_ buy me a hooker again.”

Freddie snorts into Brian’s shoulder and shudders with something that’s half a laugh, half a sob.“Trust me, I won’t,” he sniffs, pulling back once he’s recovered a bit, red-eyed but smiling.“Next year I’ll get you a book.”

“That sounds perfect,” Brian tells him fondly. 

“I really am sorry, Brian.”

“I know,” Brian says, squeezing him again.“It’s okay.I’m over it, baby.”

Freddie finally relaxes, letting out a breath, and turns his head up so he can reach Brian’s ear.“I missed you,” he says lowly, wrapping his arms tightly around Brian’s waist and pressing against him.He’s a tiny bit nervous it might be too soon but Brian really does seem fine again now and he wouldn’t say he was past it if that wasn’t true.Freddie needs it, he knows he won’t feel properly secure again until they’ve made up in bed as well. 

Fortunately, Brian’s always been a very physical man; Freddie suspects he’s just as eager to make up properly and really draw a line under this whole thing.He pushes back against Freddie and runs his nose slowly along the shell of his ear, making Freddie shiver.

“I missed you, too,” Brian whispers to him and Freddie can immediately tell they’re on the same page.“Been thinking about you constantly, Fred.‘S’been too long.”

It really has; Freddie can’t remember the last time he went so long without sex, he’s positive he and Brian never have.

“Well,” Freddie says, pulling back just a tiny bit, looking up at Brian from under his eyelashes.“Why don’t we go upstairs so I can give you your _real_ birthday treat?”

Brian huffs, pleased.“Now _that_ ,” he says, giving Freddie a lingering kiss before starting to walk them both toward the stairs, “I’m not going to say no to.”


End file.
